A Final Farewell to Postpartum Depression

Today I took off my last bandages from my surgery and breathed both a sigh of relief and of saddness. This decision took me a few months to finalize and knowing that I am forever done holding a newborn of my own was not an easy pill to swallow. I have heard so many opinions over the years as to why this decision should not be made or taken lightly, but the alternative was far more frightening to me.

Postpartum depression is something I never thought I would struggle with (having never dealt with depression prior to my childbearing years). The thoughts that consumed my mind bring me to tears and the possibility of ever going through it again was too hard to bear for me. 

I am a year away from my thirties and have had three healthy pregnancies and babies. From a medical prespective I am an ideal candidate to give birth to healthy babies due to never having any complications. And as much as this makes me happy, I also feel guilty that unlike myself I have so many friends struggling with infertility, loss of an infant, or miscarriages. My hope is that although my season of childbearing is over I can now have the time, energy, and emotional capacity to better come alongside my friends (old and new) to love on them and pray for them in ways I was unable to before. 

I know at this point what some of you may be thinking: Why didn't your husband just get a vasechtomy? We tried. He wasn't a candidate. End of story. 

In fact my husband came home from going on a walk with our youngest the other day and told me how he was getting teary-eyed thinking about the fact that this is our last biological child together. It was a reminder to soak up the good and the bad, the sleepless nights and the endless teething, becuase one day our kids will be out and about on a skateboard rather than begging to be sitting on our laps. 

This decision was really a decision to put an end to my postpartum depression. I have been off meds for a few months now and besides the emotional changes I go through when the seasons change, (See post Here) I've been feeling great. I am not going to be naive and say depression cannot ever effect me again in the future, but I am more hopeful. In the years to come I hope that we can bring the joy of life into our house again in the form of adoption or foster care, but for now I am thankful for the three little boys God has entrusted us with. My three tiny marks are now a reminder on my body of the remarkable gift of life and how each child brought me down a road that brought me to where I am today and has helped shape me into who I am today. 

If you are struggling with any form of depression and anxiety know you don't have to get your tubes removed like I did. I am not saying this is for everyone, it was a decision for me. But know that you do not have to go through your journey alone.

Ask for help. Find a friend who can listen to you. Go outside. Practice self-care. What you are going through is harder to overcome when you are alone. Message me if you want to talk.

Thanks for letting me open up and be vulnerbable with this decision I made. It may or may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but for me it marked a closing of one door and an opening of many others. 

Farewell Postpartum depression, you sucked!

IMAGE.JPG
Instead of a “push present” I got a “sterilization present.” 

Instead of a “push present” I got a “sterilization present.” 

IMAGE.JPG
IMG_0240.JPG

Dry Spells.

For quite a few months I have not written or shared much on motherhood and as a result there has been a dry spell here on the blog. The problem is that I have not had much to say. I am at a point in motherhood where I am trying to figure a lot out. Whenever I think " I got it" in regards to child-rearing my kids throw me a curve-ball and change in some way. I suppose it will be like this for a while since my kids are always changing and are each growing in their own individual ways.

Many days I am at a loss as to what to do and how to best raise my boys. Despite all the books, blogs, and advice I receive I still I feel like I am a referee, chef, house cleaner, doctor, coach, teacher, disciplinarian, and babysitter all at one time. Each boy has their own needs and whether it be a meal, a sickness, or a change in clothing size my days are starting to blur together. The OCD/ schedule-lover likes the monotonous life I live where I can to some degree expect what each day will look like. I am a control freak (and will be the first to admit that) at times and being able to decide what we do each day keeps my nerves at ease. At the same time, I sometimes stare outside or look on Instagram and long to have some spontaneity in my life. I wonder what it would be like to throw our normal routine out the window and just drive somewhere because we can. The struggle is real and as much as I try not to fantasize what my life could be life it is so easy to wonder what it could be like if I was more of a free spirit. I  am content with life right now (and have much to be thankful for) but at the same time I am up for a change in our day to day routine.

There is a quote from the show The Crown (a series on Netflix) where Queen Elizabeth II states " That's the thing about unhappiness. All it takes is for something worse to come along and you realize it  was happiness afterall. " After dealing with PPD for the second time I now know what it is to be happy. I have had days that were very low and now I can embrace and love the days that are no longer filled with the worries, fear, and anxiety that can come with postpartum depression. 2017 was full of change. Change and me don't mesh well. But I can see how God has used all of the change in our lives this past year to cause me to trust more in Him and to see more clearly how my ways are not my own. 

If you would like to share a little bit about your journey through motherhood, a birth story, reflection, book review, and/or want a space to share what is going on in your life please contact me @ ginazdavis@gmail.com and submit a post. This space has been very instrumental for my own life and I hope it can be a place for you to have a voice too. Thank you so much for listening to my ramblings and for sticking around. 

***If you did not know already, there is a private mom Facebook group for the blog called Baby Blue Mom Group. This group of moms are some of the most encouraging, kind, and loving women I know. If you would like to join please find us.

IMG_8632.JPEG
IMAGE.JPG
December was filled with sickness at our house. 

December was filled with sickness at our house. 

IMG_8100.JPG

why we won't be homeschooling...for now

Nick went to preschool. I went to preschool, and it turns out we did just fine. I am well aware of how different society is now than it was around 27 years ago, but for our family we have decided to put Calvin in preschool. You can read about our first initial trial with preschool HERE. We ended up keeping him home this previous year but are all ready for this new adventure.

Each family makes decisions based on what works best for them and for their children. Our kids are super social and love being around people. Calvin asks me when he can see his "friends" on a daily basis, and I can't help but want the same for him. He is almost four (in a few weeks) and still has two more years to go until kindergarten, and preschool in Southern California is a huge financial investment, For us though, sending him to school part-time is going to be worthwhile for him, even though it's quite a sacrifice for us. Thankfully, Nick has two sisters who have selected different educational paths for their children: one sends her son to school and the other home-schools. Having family members who are on both sides of the coin helps me feel confident that I will have the support we need for the years to come, no matter what we decide for our children.

Calvin is very impressionable and loves imagination, adventure, science, make-believe, and just plain fun. The school he will be going to is really going to help him continue to explore some of his favorite hobbies, all the while learning a few things here and there.

Before deciding on preschool, I wanted to find some other moms or groups that I could do "school" with, but that was to no avail. I also have never really had an interest in homeschooling. Once both boys are back in school I hope to go back to work in some capacity. Possibly working wherever they attend, finding a company I am passionate about, or whatever other avenue God opens up for me. Nick and I are not naive to the fact that both public and private school is never going to be a substitute for our parenting in the home. We will have to use wisdom and good judgment on a lot matters regarding their education and influences, but for now we have total peace about preschool being the next big chapter in Calvin's life.

Max and I are about to have some much needed one-on-one time, come September. I hope to find something that we can do that is special between he and I. Calvin will not stop talking about how many friends he plans on making and he asks us thrice daily how much we will miss him when he's gone (for less than 4 hours only twice a week). I hope he comes home with a smile ear to ear and that as a family we meet a whole new community of people to do life together with. The school he will attend is not part of our denomination and we only know one or two other families there, so we are excited to meet new people. Whether you home-school or send your kids to school, I support you as I hope you will support me.

My kids continue to grow up right before my eyes and one thing is for sure: one of us will be bawling our eyes out in a few weeks; and it won't be Calvin.

Is anyone else starting school in September? Do you home-school or send your child to school? What is the hardest part of watching your baby grow up?

image.jpg
image.jpg